You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
