just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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