Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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