apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
