So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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