I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
