Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
