i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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