go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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