Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
