wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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