Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize