nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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