"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
