I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
