I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
