He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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