dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
