My hand turned me down
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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