I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You're like the curious george of whores
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
