Do you still have your period?
Me too!
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
