so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
