We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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