Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
