just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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