I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
where are you?
Hypothermia
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
