closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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