i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
