If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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