This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
