Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
