Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
