Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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