my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
