When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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