I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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