DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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