I met the friendliest cop last night
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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