There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
