I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
