My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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