so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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