I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
