Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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