i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
