I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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