my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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