Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
