So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
