Non-Jews are for practice
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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