I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
