Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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