Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
