i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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