____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
