I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
