Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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