it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
