i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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